The Bro Code Read online

  Fancy Restaurant

  3

  Boring. If she expects someone to “pepper her salad” and “refold her napkin,” it stands to reason she’ll be pretty lifeless in the bedroom.

  Meet the Parents

  1

  Untouchable. But, maybe her mom isn’t.

  Miniature Golf

  5

  Way too competitive, or a lesbian…and not the hot kind of lesbian.

  Church

  0 or 10

  Looking for marriage, or looking to sin it up before confession. Toss up.

  ARTICLE 52

  A Bro is not required to remember another Bro’s birthday, though a phone call every now and again probably wouldn’t kill him.

  ARTICLE 53

  Even in a drought, a Bro flushes twice.

  ARTICLE 54

  A Bro is required to go out with his Bros on St. Patty’s Day and other official Bro holidays, including Halloween, New Year’s Eve, and Desperation Day (February 13).

  BROETRY CORNER

  There was a young lass from Killarney,

  Who promised a gentleman named Arnie,

  That she only was his

  Though a fat lie this is,

  ’Cause last night she was screaming “O’Barney.”

  I was in love with a chick named Pam,

  Who showed me pics of her fam,

  Pretty cute cat,

  But her mom was fat,

  So I dumped her that night on the tram.

  ARTICLE 55

  Even in an emergency that requires a tourniquet, a Bro never borrows from or lends clothes to another Bro.

  ARTICLE 56

  A Bro is required to alert another Bro if the Bro/Chick Ratio at a party falls below 1:1. However, to avoid Broflation, a Bro is only allowed to alert one Bro. Further, a Bro may not speculate on the anticipated Bro/Chick Ratio of a party or venue without first disclosing the present-time observed ratio.

  BRO/CHICK RATIO VS. LIKELIHOOD OF GETTING ACTION

  ARTICLE 57

  A Bro never reveals the score of a sporting event to another Bro unless that Bro has thrice confirmed he wants to hear it.

  ARTICLE 58

  A Bro doesn’t grow a mustache.

  EXCEPTION: When shaving, it’s more than okay for a Bro to keep the whiskers around his mouth until the end so that he might temporarily experiment with different facial hair configurations.

  EXCEPTION: Tom Selleck.

  ARTICLE 59

  A Bro must always post bail for another Bro, unless it’s out of state or, like, crazy expensive.

  WHEN IS BAIL CRAZY EXPENSIVE?

  Crazy Expensive Bail > (Years You’ve Been Bros) × $100

  ARTICLE 60

  A Bro shall honor thy father and mother, for they were once Bro and chick. However, a Bro never thinks of them in that capacity.

  ARTICLE 61

  If a Bro, for whatever reason, becomes aware of another Bro’s anniversary with a chick, he shall endeavor to make that information available to his Bro, regardless of whether he thinks his Bro already knows.

  Chicks seem to think annual events other than Mardi Gras, the NFL Draft, and the day the swimsuit edition comes out are worthy of celebration. I don’t know why, either, but I do know if you become involved with a woman for more than the occasional toss in the hay (which is expressly not advised), you’ll need to be able to recall certain days of the year with relative accuracy.

  DATES THAT CHICKS FIND IMPORTANT

  OCCASION

  DATE

  SHE REMINDS YOU…

  Her birthday

  ___ /___ /___

  Three weeks before, by pointing at jewelry

  Anniversary of first date

  ___ /___ /___

  Happily, the day of

  Marriage anniversary

  ___ /___ /___

  Angrily, the next day

  Children’s birthdays

  ___ /___ /___

  At your divorce trial

  Grey’s Anatomy season premiere

  ___ /___ /___

  In the middle of a playoff game

  ARTICLE 62

  In the event that two Bros lock on to the same target, the Bro who calls dibs first has dibs. If both call dibs at the same time, the Bro who counts aloud to ten the fastest has dibs. If both arrive at the number ten at the same time, the Bro who bought the last round of drinks has dibs. If they haven’t purchased drinks yet, the taller of the two Bros has dibs. If they’re the same height, the Bro with the longer dry spell dry spell has dibs. Should the dry spells be of equal length, a game of discreet Broshambo* shall determine dibs, provided the chick is still there.

  ARTICLE 63

  A Bro will make any and all efforts to provide his Bro with protection.

  Brotection forms a central pillar—or, more accurately, a latex coating for the central pillar—of the Bro way of life. While a Bro is not legally or fiscally responsible for any repercussions of failing to provide protection, it’s not uncommon for a Bro to experience pangs of guilt after a fellow Bro becomes infected with a disease, many of which can last an entire lifetime, like when a Bro contracts children.

  In the event that one Bro finds himself lacking the prophylactic accoutrements needed to complete the act of coitus in a safe and effective manner, he is in the right to expect another Bro to use all measures within or without his means to provide the aforementioned prophylactic in a timely yet discreet fashion. When a Bro signals his need using previously agreed upon code words and/or body signage, it is understood that his Bro will discontinue all present activity (except the act of coitus itself—whereby the Bro vows to finish as quickly as possible), in order to respond with a panoply of options at the Bro in need’s location. A Bro must utilize the most rapid method of transportation available while endeavoring to assist his Bro. In no instance may a bicycle* be used as this is not only humiliating but also potentially harmful to the perineum—a zone of tissue perilously adjacent to the sexual organs. In the event that a state, federal, international, or galactic law is breached due to recklessness, unacceptable levels of speed, and/or the hijacking of airborne vehicle(s), it is understood that the primary Bro will shoulder any associated legal fees or fines. However, any costs or damages incurred from the use of public transportation are the responsibility of the secondary Bro alone as this is an instance of Quid Pro Bro. Upon arrival at the primary Bro’s location, the secondary Bro must exercise complete discretion so as not to disrupt the primary Bro’s “flow,” or Brojo. Once the primary Bro has been supplied with the necessary prophylactic(s), the Brocedure is deemed complete upon exchange of the traditional, though in this case silent, high five. Tacit in this unspoken ritual is the understanding that said episode will never be mentioned again, unless it’s part of an awesome story.

  ARTICLE 64

  A Bro must provide his Bro with a ticket to an event if said event involves the latter Bro’s favorite sports team in a playoff scenario.

  ARTICLE 65

  A Bro must always reciprocate a round of drinks among Bros.

  EXCEPTION: A Bro is off the hook if his Bro orders a drink that arrives with an umbrella in it.

  ARTICLE 66

  If a Bro suffers pain due to the permanent dissolution of a relationship with a lady friend, his Bros shall offer no more than a “that sucks, man” and copious quantities of beer. To eliminate the possibility of any awkward moments in the future, his Bros shall also refrain from any pejorative commentary—deserved or not—regarding said lady friend for a period of three months, when the requisite backslide window has fully closed.

  ARTICLE 67

  Should a Bro pick up a guitar at a party and commence playing, another Bro shall point out that he is a tool.

  ARTICLE 68

  If a Bro be on a hot streak hot streak, another Bro will do everything possible to ensure its longevity, even if that includes jeopardizing his own personal records, the missing of work, or, if necessary, generating a realist
ic fear that the end of the world is imminent.

  EXCEPTION: Dry spell trumps hot streak.

  ARTICLE 69

  Duh.

  ARTICLE 70

  A Bro will drive another Bro to the airport or pick him up, but never both for the same trip. He is not expected to be on time, help with luggage, or inquire about his Bro’s trip or general well-being.

  ARTICLE 71

  As a courtesy to Bros the world over, a Bro never brings more than two other Bros to a party.

  THREE BROS ARE COOL

  FOUR BROS ARE LAME

  Three Amigos

  Mount Rushmore

  Three Musketeers

  The Fantastic Four (feature film version)

  The Police

  The Monkees

  Apollo 13 Astronauts

  Olympic Bobsled Team

  Three Stooges

  Michael Jordan’s Teammates

  (Exception: Hanson)

  (Exception: The Beatles)

  BROETRY CORNER

  One Bro makes a solo attack.

  A second Bro provides a crutch.

  A third Bro rounds out the pack,

  But a fourth Bro is one too much.

  ARTICLE 72

  A Bro never spell-checks.

  ARTICLE 73

  When a group of Bros are in a restaurant, each shall engage in the time-honored ritual of jockeying to pay the bill, regardless of affordability. When the group ultimately decides to divide the check, each Bro shall act upset rather than enormously relieved.

  ARTICLE 74

  At a red light, a Bro inches as close as possible to the rear bumper of the car in front of him, and then immediately honks his horn when the light turns green. That way, if another Bro is several cars behind, he’ll have a better chance of making it through the intersection before the light turns red again.

  ARTICLE 75

  A Bro automatically enhances another Bro’s job description when introducing him to a chick.

  Chicks like to stretch the truth about their age, promiscuity, and sometimes—with the help of extensive makeup and structural lingerie—even their body shape. As such, it’s fair game for Bros to exaggerate reality when asked about their Brofession. It’s also smart: a Bro’s career is to a chick what a chick’s boobs are to a Bro.

  HOW TO INVENT A JOB CHICKS WILL THINK IS HOT

  UNIVERSAL CHICK INTERESTS

  YOUR JOB

  “I invented the walk-in closet.”

  “I’m a muscular ice cream tycoon.”

  “I design shoes for diabetic cats.”

  ARTICLE 76

  If a Bro is on the phone with a chick while in front of his Bros and, for whatever reason, desires to say “I love you,” he shall first excuse himself from the room or employ a subsonic, Barry White–esque tone.

  ARTICLE 77

  Bros don’t cuddle.

  EXCEPTION: To conserve body heat in an emergency situation.

  ARTICLE 78

  A Bro shall never rack jack* his wingman.

  To commemorate and solidify the unbreakable bond between Bro and wingman, it is recommended that before going out, each faces the other, places his left hand on The Bro Code, raises his right hand, and recites the Wingman Pledge.

  THE WINGMAN PLEDGE

  I shall uphold the Bro Code to the fullest of my ability.

  I will never allow my wingman to go home with less than a six.

  I agree to swap rounds of drinks with my wingman, even if I keep getting stuck paying for shots.

  I will never rack jack my wingman, no matter how hot the chick.

  I pledge to never leave a wingman behind when invited to a party.

  If my wingman meets a hot chick with an ugly friend, I will jump on the grenade.

  If my wingman gets rejected by a chick, I shall unequivocally agree that she sucked anyway, even if I thought she seemed kind of cool and interesting.

  Should my wingman strike up a conversation with a chick of a questionable legal age, I will endeavor to ascertain and verify her birth date.

  If I discover evidence that my wingman’s chick is in a relationship, I shall make that information available to him, unless it’s pretty clear the boyfriend/husband isn’t there.

  I shall honor and respect the dibs system.

  ARTICLE 79

  At a wedding, Bros shall reluctantly trudge out for the garter toss and feign interest for the benefit of the chicks present. Whichever Bro gets stuck with the garter shall lightheartedly pretend he’s not horrified at the thought of being the next one to drop before scurrying to the bar for a very stiff drink and/or shots.*

  COROLLARY: If a Bro’s date should catch the bouquet, he shall act excited (if he wishes to sleep with her ever again) before scurrying to the bar to join the garter Bro for a very stiff drink and/or shots.

  ARTICLE 80

  A Bro shall make every effort to aid another Bro in riding the tricycle*, short of completing the tricycle himself.

  RULES FOR RIDING THE TRICYCLE

  The aggregate age of all three participants shall not exceed eighty-three years.

  The aggregate weight of all three participants shall be less than 400 pounds/181.44 kg.

  No money or other considerations may be exchanged for services rendered.

  Pregnant women shall consult with their physician before riding the tricycle.

  No wheel of the tricycle shall be within three branches of another’s family tree.

  No black-soled sneakers.

  Female participants shall refrain from destroying the illusion that this is new to them.

  Kitchen appliances and other electrical devices are strictly forbidden.

  Participants must shower before riding the tricycle, and definitely after.

  ARTICLE 81

  A Bro leaves the toilet seat up for his Bros.

  ARTICLE 82

  If two Bros get into a heated argument over something and one says something out of line, the other shall not expect him to “take it back” or “apologize” to make amends. That’s inhuman.

  ARTICLE 83

  A Bro shall, at all costs, honor the Platinum Rule: Never, ever, ever, ever “love” thy neighbor. In particular, a Bro shall never mix it up romantically with a co-worker.

  EXCEPTIONS

  Co-worker is an eight or better

  You are co-worker’s superior

  Co-worker dresses a little slutty

  Getting fired from job not such a bad thing

  Company recently sued for sexual harassment—unlikely to happen again

  Someone makes a bet that you can’t

  You are switching floors soon

  You and co-worker get stuck in elevator

  You hit the emergency button and get “stuck” in the elevator with co-worker

  Co-worker going to be fired, or soon will be, after you sabotage co-worker’s files

  You mixed it up with co-worker before becoming co-workers

  Co-worker hits on you

  You are in a little bit of a rut, romantically speaking

  Co-worker going through divorce

  Co-worker looking pretty good lately

  Co-worker not offended when you “accidentally” email provocative pictures of self to office