The Bro Code Read online

  ARTICLE 18

  If a Bro spearheads a beer run at a party, he is entitled to any excess monies accrued after canvassing the group.

  NOTE: To avoid confrontation, it’s a good idea for the Bro to jettison the receipt before returning to the party.

  ARTICLE 19

  A Bro shall not sleep with another Bro’s sister. However, a Bro shall not get angry if another Bro says, “Dude, your sister’s hot!”

  COROLLARY: It’s probably best for everyone if Bros just hide pictures of their sisters when other Bros are coming over.

  CHECKLIST FOR BRO-PROOFING YOUR HOME

  Hide all pictures of hot sisters, moms, and first cousins.

  Open liquor bottles and dust the bar area to give the impression you actually use it.

  As a courtesy, move printed porn from the bedroom to the bathroom.

  Scan DVR playlist and remove embarrassing television programs like daytime talk shows.

  Open all windows.

  Display all remote controls on the coffee table, regardless of functionality.

  Disconnect answering machine, or…

  Call Mom an hour before your Bros arrive.

  Coasters, coasters, coasters!

  Sign out of email account.

  Usher girlfriend/booty call off the premises.

  ARTICLE 20

  A Bro respects his Bros in the military because they’ve selflessly chosen to defend the nation, but more to the point, because they can kick his ass six ways to Sunday.

  ARTICLE 21

  A Bro never shares observations about another Bro’s smoking-hot girlfriend. Even if the Bro with the hot girlfriend attempts to bait the Bro by saying, “She’s smoking-hot, huh?” a Bro shall remain silent, because in this situation, he’s the only one who should be baiting.

  ARTICLE 22

  There is no law that prohibits a woman from being a Bro.

  Women make excellent Bros. Why? Because they can translate and navigate the confusing and contradictory whims that comprise the Chick Code.

  DO CHICKS REALLY HAVE THEIR OWN CODE?

  Yes, I’m afraid so. One morning, just before slipping out the door while my hostess was in the shower, I happened upon a copy of the rumored tome. I didn’t have time to flip much past the pink bedazzled cover, but here are some of the phrases I remember seeing on the frilly pages within:

  A chick shall not sleep with another chick’s ex-boyfriend, unless she does.

  A chick never pays for anything. Ever.

  If two chicks get into a fight, they shall make catty remarks and pretend to ignore each other, rather than simply stripping down and wrestling it out.

  If a chick hears a chick-empowerment song like “I Will Survive,” she shall stop whatever she’s doing, grab another chick’s hand, and shriek the lyrics at the top of her lungs.

  A chick may get a dog as a pet, but only if it fits in her mailbox.

  If two chicks are wearing the same outfit, each retains the right to accidentally spill a drink on the other.

  A chick shall not operate a motor vehicle in a safe manner.

  A chick has a free pass to slut it up on Halloween.

  ARTICLE 23

  When flipping through TV channels with his Bros, a Bro is not allowed to skip past a program featuring boobs. This includes, but is not limited to, exercise shows, women’s athletics, and on some occasions, surgery programs.

  ARTICLE 24

  When wearing a baseball cap, a Bro may position the brim at either 12 or 6 o’clock. All other angles are reserved for rappers and the handicapped.

  ARTICLE 25

  A Bro doesn’t let another Bro get a tattoo, particularly a tattoo of a girl’s name.

  The average relationship between a man and a woman lasts eighty-three days. The relationship between a man and his skin lasts a lifetime and must be nurtured, because as we all know, the skin is the largest and second most important organ a man has.

  BARNEY STINSON’S FIELD GUIDE TO TATTOOS

  TATTOO

  TRANSLATION

  “Hey, everybody, look at me! Not only have I made the foolish mistake of choosing a lifetime of monogamy, but I have permanently branded myself as off-limits.”

  “Hey, everybody, look at me! This band looks like a scar of manhood that I earned after my village banished me to the hinterlands for seven days with no food or water…like in that Kevin Bacon basketball movie.”

  “Hey, everybody, look at me! I have a fearsome dragon on my arm! Are you scared? Good, because I’m hoping this baby wards off intruders from my mom’s basement.”

  “Hey, everybody, look at me! I’m governed by an Eastern philosophy, as these significant Cantonese and/or Mandarin characters chiseled into my flesh may or may not indicate. If I spoke or read this particular language, perhaps I could explain my perspective more clearly, but I guess you’ll just have to take the scary-looking tattoo artist’s word for it. I know I did.”

  “Hey, everybody, look at me! There’s an important message inked on my fingers. It has to be ten letters or less and you can only read it when I’m waterskiing or getting arrested, but still, it’s an important message that wholly represents my creed.”

  ARTICLE 26

  Unless he has children, a Bro shall not wear his cell phone on a belt clip.

  ARTICLE 27

  A Bro never removes his shirt in front of other Bros, unless at a resort pool or the beach.

  COROLLARY: A Bro with a coat of fur on his back keeps that thing covered at all times, even at a resort pool or the beach. Sorry, Bro.

  ARTICLE 28

  A Bro will, in a timely manner, alert his Bro to the existence of a girl fight.

  A Bro must, in a timely manner, communicate the possibility of fisticuffs between two humans of the female variety (Henceforth “girl fight”), in an effort to make possible and probable that another Bro or Bros can partake in observation. A “timely manner” is open to interpretation based on the initial Bro’s viewing and processing of the potential feminine conflagration. Said Bro must use any and all methods of media distribution at his disposal, including but not limited to: telecommunications, elbow nudging, carrier pigeons, fiber optics, shouting, postcards, and telepathy. If an informed Bro is unable to witness the girl fight firsthand, the spotter Bro is responsible for documenting and relating details of the girl fight via pictures, video, or, barring any other reasonable method, interpretive dance and/or pantomime.

  ARTICLE 29

  If two Bros decide to catch a movie together, they may not attend a screening that begins after 4:40 PM. Also, despite the cost savings, they shall not split a tub of popcorn, choosing instead to procure individual bags.

  ARTICLE 30

  A Bro doesn’t comparison shop.

  ARTICLE 31

  When on the prowl, a Bro hits on the hottest chick first because you just never know.

  CURRENT HOT CHICK RATINGS

  ARTICLE 32

  A Bro doesn’t allow another Bro to get married until he’s at least thirty.

  ARTICLE 33

  When in a public restroom, a Bro (1) stares straight ahead when using the urinal; (2) makes the obligatory comment, “What is this, a chicks’ restroom?” if there are more than two dudes waiting to pee; and (3) attempts to shoot his used paper towel into the trash can like a basketball…rebounding is optional.

  ARTICLE 34

  Bros cannot make eye contact during a devil’s threeway devil’s threeway.

  ARTICLE 35

  A Bro never rents a chick flick.

  ARTICLE 36 DD

  When questioned in the company of women, a Bro always decries fake breasts.

  When in conversation with a woman, fake breasts may arise, but not in the way that you’d like. It’s not uncommon for a woman to deftly use trick questions in order to probe a Bro’s real thoughts on the subject of breast augmentation.* And don’t be fooled into thinking your prepared speech on the beauty of the natural human form can get you out of it.


  HOW TO HANDLE FAKE BREASTS

  Chick:

  Ugh, her breasts are so fake.

  Bro:

  Totally. Unnatural is un sexy.

  Chick:

  So you’ve been staring at her breasts, huh?

  Chick:

  Ugh, her breasts are so fake.

  Bro:

  Whose?

  Chick:

  You know who I’m talking about.

  Bro:

  Oh. Yes, those must be fake.

  Chick:

  So you’ve been staring at her breasts, huh?

  Chick:

  Ugh, her breasts are so fake.

  Bro:

  No?

  Chick:

  Well, then, why don’t you just go marry her, then???

  Chick:

  Ugh, her breasts are so fake.

  Bro:

  I wouldn’t know.

  Chick:

  Oh. Well, they are.

  ARTICLE 37

  A Bro is under no obligation to open a door for anyone. If women insist on having their own professional basketball league, then they can open their own doors. Honestly, they’re not that heavy.

  ARTICLE 38

  Even in a fight to the death, a Bro never punches another Bro in the groin.

  ARTICLE 39

  When a Bro gets a chick’s number, he waits at least ninety-six hours before calling her.

  SIDE-BRO: ASK UNCLE BARNEY

  Q:

  I’m confused—if a woman gives me her phone number, doesn’t that mean she wants me to call her? Why do I have to wait so long?

  A:

  Broflation—an unreasonable increase in female expectations about how Bros should act. You call a woman the next day, she tells her friends you called the next day, and soon enough, women everywhere will expect guys to call them the next day. Before you know it, Bros the world over will find themselves trapped in relationships, and all because you couldn’t wait ninety-six little hours.

  Q:

  Okay, I’ve waited ninety-six hours. When’s the best time of day to call?

  A:

  Call during the middle of the day. You’ll have a better chance of catching her voice mail, which ultimately means less conversation. With any luck you’ll be able to set something up without ever having to talk to her. Note: Never call after 9 PM—late-night phone calls are the province of the booty call, and only the booty call. See Article 92 for further elaboration.

  Q:

  I’ve always heard you wait three days?

  Why does the Bro Code specify four?

  A:

  If you’ve always heard that a Bro should wait three days before calling, you can bet that women have, too. By waiting an extra day, you can make a chick feel special.

  ARTICLE 40

  Should a Bro become stricken with engagement, his Bros shall stage an intervention and attempt to heal him. This is more commonly known as “a bachelor party.”

  ARTICLE 41

  A Bro never cries.

  EXCEPTIONS: Watching Field of Dreams, E.T., or a sports legend retire.*

  ARTICLE 42

  Upon greeting another Bro, a Bro may engage in a high five, fist bump, or Bro hug, but never a full embrace.

  EXECUTING A BRO HUG

  Step 1:

  Interlocking hand clasp

  Step 2:

  Lean torsos together, maintaining safe groin perimeter

  Step 3:

  One pat on the back

  ARTICLE 43

  A Bro loves his country, unless that country isn’t America.

  ARTICLE 44

  A Bro never applies sunscreen to another Bro.

  EXCEPTION: If the Bros are within 7 degrees latitude of the equator.

  ARTICLE 45

  A Bro never wears jeans to a strip club.

  WHY A BRO NEVER WEARS JEANS TO A STRIP CLUB

  Cloth pockets are roomier and more elastic, allowing for a thicker wad of cash.

  Denim clashes with a club’s leopard, zebra, or other safari animal motif.

  One word, two syllables, three hours in the ER: zipper.

  It’s a performance, and deserves respect. These erotic dancers have practiced tirelessly on a technically demanding piece of choreographed art. Would you wear dungarees to a ballet?*

  You don’t feel it as much on your kazoo.

  ARTICLE 46

  If a Bro is seated next to some dude who’s stuck in the middle seat on an airplane, he shall yield him all of their shared armrest, unless the dude has (a) taken his shoes off, (b) is snoring, (c) makes the Bro get up more than once to use the lavatory, or (d) purchased headphones after they announced the in-flight movie is 27 Dresses. See Article 35.

  ARTICLE 47

  A Bro never wears pink.

  Not even in Europe.

  ARTICLE 48

  A Bro never publicly reveals how many chicks he’s banged.

  COROLLARY: A Bro also never reveals how many chicks another Bro has banged.

  When a chick meets a Bro, there are three things she wants to know:

  How much money does he make?

  Is he shorter than her?

  How many chicks has he banged?

  Eventually, she will figure out the first two, but a Bro never answers the third question. If, however, a Bro feels compelled to answer (i.e., sex is being withheld until he supplies a tally), he can calculate an acceptable number using the following formula:

  HOW MANY CHICKS IS IT SAFE FOR A BRO TO SAY HE’S BANGED?

  n = (a/10 + s)0 + 5

  n = number of chicks

  a = Bro’s age

  s = inquiring chick’s slut factor (1 = nun, 10 = former nun)

  ARTICLE 49

  When asked, “Do you need some help?” a Bro shall automatically respond, “I got it,” whether or not he’s actually got it.

  EXCEPTIONS: Carrying an expensive TV, parallel parking an expensive car, loading an expensive TV into an expensive car.

  ARTICLE 50

  If a Bro should accidentally strike another Bro’s undercarriage with his arm while walking, both Bros silently agree to continue on as if it never happened.

  ARTICLE 51

  A Bro checks out another Bro’s blind date and reports back with a thumbs-up or thumbs-down.

  If you can’t get a Bro to scope out your blind date beforehand, there is a way to at least learn how promiscuous she’ll be—have her choose the date venue.

  BLIND DATE TRANSLATIONS

  SHE SUGGESTS…

  PROMISCUITY

  SHE’LL BE…

  Dance Club

  10

  Scantily clad, sweaty, and impossible to hear over the music. A+

  Drinks at a Bar

  7

  A lot of fun, or emotionally unstable…promising either way.