The Bro Code Read online

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  ™ & © 2008 by Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation. All rights reserved.

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  ISBN-13: 978-1-4391-5293-5

  ISBN-10: 1-4391-5293-4

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  http://www.SimonSays.com

  For me,

  the best Bro I know

  TABLE OF CONTENTS

  INTRODUCTION

  WHAT IS A BRO?

  BROCABULARY

  ORIGIN

  THE BRO CODE

  AMENDMENTS

  VIOLATIONS

  GLOSSARY

  INTRODUCTION

  Whether we know it or not, each of us lives a life governed by an internalized code of conduct.

  Some call it morality. Others call it religion. I call it “the Bro Code.”

  For centuries men have attempted to follow this code with no universal understanding of what such an arrangement meant: Is it okay to hug a Bro? * If I’m invited to a Bro’s wedding, do I really have to bring a gift?† Can I sleep with a Bro’s sister or mother or both?‡

  Now, for the first time on paper, I have recorded the rules of social decorum that Bros have practiced since the dawn of man…if not before. The Bro Code previously existed only as an oral tradition (heh), so I have journeyed the globe to piece together and transcribe the scattered fragments of the Bro Code, pausing only to flesh it out myself (double heh). While not intending to write a “Guide to Being a Bro,” if men should treat it as such and pass this compendium of knowledge from one generation to the next, I have little doubt it would bring a tear to my eye. But not out of it. That would be a violation of Article 41: A Bro never cries.

  It is my hope that, with a better understanding of the Bro Code, Bros the world over can put aside their differences and strengthen the bonds of brotherhood. It is then, and only then, that we might work together as one to accomplish perhaps the most important challenge society faces—getting laid. Before dismissing this pursuit as crass and ignoble, consider this postulate: without the sport inherent in trying to bang chicks, would men willingly have sex for the sole purpose of producing smelly, screaming babies?*

  Centuries from now, when a Bro applies the rudiments of the Bro Code to score a three-boobed future chick, the only thanks I’ll need is the knowledge that I—in whatever small capacity—Bro’d him out…though if he could figure out how to bring me back to life, that would be pretty awesome, too.

  —Barney Stinson

  WHAT IS A BRO?

  You’ve probably heard the word “Bro” used liberally at your local bar or gym. Perhaps you’ve seen it recklessly confused with “dude” or “guy” in an adventure-themed soft-drink commercial. Maybe even you yourself have unwittingly tossed out a “Bro” when asking a stranger for the time. But an important distinction must be drawn: just because a guy is a dude, doesn’t mean that dude is a Bro.

  Q: What is a Bro?

  A: A Bro is a person who would give you the shirt off his back when he doesn’t want to wear it anymore. A Bro is a person who will bend over backwards to help you bend someone else over backwards. In short, a Bro is a lifelong companion you can trust will always be there for you, unless he’s got something else going on.

  Q: Who is your Bro?

  A: Your mailman is a Bro, your father was once a Bro, and the boy who mows your lawn represents the Bro of tomorrow, but that doesn’t make him your Bro. When someone has faithfully upheld one or more of the codes in the Bro Code, then you may consider him your Bro. Warning: Exercise caution when bringing home a hot chick—your brother may or may not be your Bro.

  Q: Can only dudes be Bros?

  A: You don’t need to be a guy to be somebody’s Bro, provided you uphold the moral values contained within this sacred canon. When a woman sets a guy up with her busty friend, she’s acting as a Bro. And if she sets him up with other hot friends after he slept with the first one and never called her again, then she’s officially his Bro.

  BROCABULARY

  As you thumb through The Bro Code, you may come across some words and terms you’ve never seen before. Many have been boldfaced and placed in the Glossary on page 193 so you can familiarize yourself with the Bronacular.

  While Bros are always encouraged to spread the truth of the Bro Code, they are also cautioned against overusing “Bro.” Such Broliferation cheapens the important mission of this book and, nearly as important, makes you sound stupid.

  APPROPRIATE “BRO” USAGE

  INAPPROPRIATE “BRO” USAGE

  Nabroleon

  Broan of Arc

  Tom Brokaw

  Brobara Walters

  Bro Jackson

  Bro J. Simpson

  Teddy Broosevelt

  Geraldine Ferrarbro

  Broce Springsteen

  Broko Ono

  ORIGIN

  While the story of the Bro Code is not nearly as simple and elegant as God handing down some stone tablets to Broses, its origins weave all the way back to the dawn of humanity.

  In the beginning there was no Bro Code…which was unfortunate for the world’s first Bros—Cain and Abel. Lacking an agreed-upon set of social principles, Cain killed Abel and committed history’s first Broicide. As punishment Cain was doomed to walk the earth alone. Why? Because without a wingman, he had absolutely no chance to meet chicks.

  Centuries later a Bro from Sparta and a Bro from Troy got in a fight over a chick named Helen. I know, “Helen” doesn’t sound hot, but allegedly she had a “face that launched a thousand ships,” so you can just imagine what her rack was like. The two Bros waged a terrible war over this chick—a war that could have been avoided had the Bros been familiar with the most basic Bro Code: Bros before ho’s. Troy put up a good fight, but the Spartan navy was very powerful. Soon hordes of Spartan seamen burst through the Trojan barrier, and Helen got half the gold for the next eighteen years.

  Hundreds of years later, appropriately in Philadelphia (the City of Bro Love), a little known delegate named Barnabas Stinson scratched on parchment what is now considered the earliest attempt to record the Bro Code. Over the years Bros have amended and added rules, but Stinson’s elegant words remain as the glorious preamble to the Bro Code.

  While the original document is housed two stories beneath sea level in an undisclosed, vacuum-sealed, bulletproof chamber, I was able to gain access long enough to manufacture this replica.

  July 4, 1776

  The Bro Code

  When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for Bros to settle a dispute, decent respect to the opinions of Bro-kind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to argue, though prudence says it’s probably a chick. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all Bros are created equal—though not necessarily with the same good looks or sense of style—and that they are endowed with certain inalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of tail. To secure these rights, we present the Bro Code. It is the right of Bros to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new code, but let’s face it—that’s a lot of work.

  Be it here resolved that, henceforth, when and if two gentlemen covet the company of the same wench, the Bro who first calleth dibs on said wench shall be entitled sufferance for such time as it takes to reasonably strike out, or the time it takes sand to fill one half of an hourglass, which
ever comes first. At no point is it permissible for a Bro to violate this right and codpiece block his Bro, even if he hath consumed copious quantities of ale.

  THE BRO CODE

  ARTICLE 1

  Bros before ho’s.

  The bond between two men is stronger than the bond between a man and a woman because, on average, men are stronger than women. That’s just science

  DID YOU KNOW…

  Article 1 can trace its genesis all the way back to Genesis. No, not the Peter Gabriel/Phil Collins pop triad, but the biblical book. The discovery of the Dead Sea Scrolls has unearthed a once-lost passage that documents the earliest infringement of the Bro Code.

  BOOK OF BARNABAS 1:1

  And everything of need was provided in the Garden. Fruit, water, companionship. But one day, Adam came upon a naked chick, Eve, and desired her olive leaf. And so Adam wenteth behind an apple tree to know Eve, totally ditching his Bro, Phil, who had Knicks tickets. Courtside. Long story short, humankind became self-aware, paradise was lost, and well, we all know what happened to the Knicks.

  ARTICLE 2

  A Bro is always entitled to do something stupid, as long as the rest of his Bros are all doing it.

  NOTE: Had Butch Cassidy come charging out of that cabin alone, people would have been like, “Dude, come on.” If only one Spanish dude had decided to run down the street in front of a bunch of angry bulls, people would’ve been like, “Dude, come on.” If only Tommy Lee had worn eyeliner in the early days of Mötley Crüe, people would have been like, “Lady, come on.” The license to be stupid is why we have Bros in the first place.

  ARTICLE 3

  If a Bro gets a dog, it must be at least as tall as his knee when full-grown.

  COROLLARY: Naming a lapdog after a pro wrestler or a character from a Steve McQueen movie does not absolve a Bro from the spirit of this article.

  ARTICLE 4

  A Bro never divulges the existence of the Bro Code to a woman. It is a sacred document not to be shared with chicks for any reason…no, not even that reason.

  NOTE: If you are a woman reading this, first, let me apologize: it was never my intention for this book to contain so much math.

  Second, I urge you to look at this document for what it is—a piece of fiction meant to entertain a broad audience through the prism of stereotypical gender differences. I mean, sometimes it really is like we’re from different planets! Clearly, no real person would actually believe or adhere to the vulgar rules contained within.* Those boots are adorable, b-t-dub.

  ARTICLE 5

  Whether he cares about sports or not, a Bro cares about sports.

  ARTICLE 6

  A Bro shall not lollygag if he must get naked in front of other Bros in a gym locker room.

  COROLLARY: If a Bro gets naked in the locker room, all other Bros shall pretend that nothing out of the ordinary is happening while, at the same time, immediately averting their eyes. When in doubt, remember the old adage: “If a towel drops to the floor, so should your eyes.”

  ARTICLE 7

  A Bro never admits he can’t drive stick. Even after an accident.

  ARTICLE 8

  A Bro never sends a greeting card to another Bro.

  There are no sentiments between Bros that cannot be articulated through the convenience and emotional distance of electronic mail. The following are a few emails for any Brocassion that succinctly get the message across without costing you the trouble and expense of having to find and then send an actual greeting card.

  EMAILS FOR ANY BROCCASION

  SYMPATHY

  To:

  Bro

  From:

  Bro

  Subject:

  Dude

  Sorry, Bro.

  CONGRATULATIONS

  To:

  Bro

  From:

  Bro

  Subject:

  Bro!

  Nice, Bro!

  GET WELL SOON

  To:

  Bro

  From:

  Bro

  Subject:

  Bro…

  Don’t give up, Bro.

  HAPPY BIRTHDAY

  To:

  Bro

  From:

  Bro

  Subject:

  Dude

  Drinks on me, Bro.

  THINKING OF YOU

  To:

  N/A

  From:

  N/A

  Subject:

  N/A

  N/A

  ARTICLE 9

  Should a Bro lose a body part due to an accident or illness, his fellow Bros will not make lame jokes such as “Gimme three!” or “Wow, quitting your job like that really took a lot of ball.” It’s still a high five and that Bro still has a lot of balls…metaphorically speaking, of course.

  ARTICLE 10

  A Bro will drop whatever he’s doing and rush to help his Bro dump a chick.

  It’s normal for a Bro to get confused and disoriented when dumping a chick. For some reason he’s worried she’ll become agitated or even violent after he calmly explains his desire to have sex with her friends. This is when a Bro most needs his Bro to remind him that there are plenty of chicks in the ocean, and that a breakup need not be hazardous, stressful, or even time-consuming.

  SIDE-BRO: HOW TO DUMP A CHICK IN SIX WORDS OR LESS

  “Maybe try a side salad instead.”

  “Cute! You’re growing a mustache, too!”

  “She looks like a younger you.”

  “I will finance a boob job.”

  “Sorry I threw out your shoes.”

  “Your sister let me do that.”

  ARTICLE 11

  A Bro may ask his Bro(s) to help him move, but only after first disclosing an honest estimate on both time commitment and number of large pieces of furniture. If the Bro has vastly underestimated either, his Bros retain the right to leave his possessions where they are—in most cases, stuck in a doorway.

  ARTICLE 12

  Bros do not share dessert.

  ARTICLE 13

  All Bros shall dub one of their Bros his wingman.

  MIX AND MATCH: FAMOUS WINGMEN

  Michael Jordan

  Scooby

  Snoopy

  Dan Quayle

  Han Solo

  Hot Wings

  George H. W. Bush

  Woodstock

  Bert

  Chewbacca

  Shaggy

  Scottie Pippen

  Beer

  Ernie

  ARTICLE 14

  If a chick inquires about another Bro’s sexual history, a Bro shall honor the Brode of Silence and play dumb. Better to have women think all men are stupid than to tell the truth.

  ARTICLE 15

  A Bro never dances with his hands above his head.

  ARTICLE 16

  A Bro should be able, at any time, to recite the following reigning champions: Super Bowl, World Series, and Playmate of the Year.

  ARTICLE 17

  A Bro shall be kind and courteous to his co-workers, unless they are beneath him on the Pyramid of Screaming.

  America was built on the backs of men and women who were yelled at to work harder, and the tradition has been screamed from generation to generation. But you can’t just scream at anybody…you can only scream at those beneath you. To illustrate how it works, here’s the Scream Pyramid for a professional football team:

  It’s no different inside the office, as exemplified by my own corporate Scream Pyramid:

  Here is a blank Scream Pyramid for you to fill in. If you’re not sure where you fit, you can always trick a Bro-worker into screaming at someone and then see where the pieces fall. That’s how I figured out I was above the VP of Synergy.

  IMPORTANT NOTE: If you find yourself at the bottom, don’t fret. The beauty of the pyramid is that you can always add a layer to the foundation. The janitorial crew, the sleepy-eyed security man, or anyone who doesn’t speak English is a great place to start.

&n
bsp;